The Others' Shoes

It’s a wonder I ever had a paying gig outside the home.  I honestly don’t know how “working” moms do it because I feel like my plate’s as full now as it was when I was teaching. I do have to say I have a real issue with the terms “working mom” and “stay at home mom” because, truly, it’s all work and it’s all life – each with its requisite stressors, expectations, grass-is-always-greener notions of how great it would be in the others’ shoulds, er, shoes. 

If you are at home, the expectations are to have a perfectly clean, orderly, and well maintained house, run all the errands happily and in a cute outfit no less, shop and cook like Martha Stewart, do all things kid-related including volunteering at and participating in all school functions (and you are definitely the mom that gets to organize the “group” projects your kids are involved in and schlep them around for said project). And, don’t ever run out of toilet paper!  Because a good stay-at-home mom would never do that . . . right???

For the “working moms”, the moms that get paid to do work outside the home, the domestic expectations are much the same but less perfection is expected, because, “Hey! They are being paid, making money, earning for the family so cut ‘em some slack in the domestic department!”  Concessions have to be made, for sure.  They can’t be at every school function or volunteer during their “free” time.  Their houses, if not cleaned by the Maid Brigade, might be a little dusty or ill-kempt.  But when you see the “working mom” out, she is polished and dressed and IMPORTANT, people, because she makes money.  They have grown-up conversations.  Go to meetings. They are having an impact on the world outside of the four walls of their home. 

I’ve been in both places - working outside the home and working inside the home for no pay  - and what I know is that there are trade-offs for sure in the crazy balancing act of working and mothering and wife-ing (funny how that wife part trails in at the end . . .).  One role isn’t better than the other.  They each have stressors (including the wife-ing), different though they may be.  I think the real issue is that so many of us are trying to do it all perfectly.  And trying to hide behind something, anything, when we can’t.  Maybe it’s getting lost in “busy-ness” or mindless internet surfing for hours on end; maybe it’s long meeting lunches with two glasses of wine to numb the fear of not being “enough” anywhere; maybe it’s compulsive exercise or eating or some other crazy behavior that keeps you distracted from what’s really bothering you.

If we are lucky, and brave, we get to a place in our lives where we make peace with where we are at any given moment, endeavor to do the very best we can with what we have and know in that space, and LIVE fully right there.  Being as authentic as possible as we work – outside the home – or inside the home – and trying to find joy and peace and “enough” right there.  I think a lot about what I am bequeathing my kids – is it fear, anxiety, and perfectionism or is it self-love, compassion, gratitude, and hope?  There are so many potholes when it comes to parenting but this one is a damn potential sinkhole and one I try to remain cognizant of everyday.  What am I teaching my children about life, the world, and being their most authentic selves – even when it’s scary or the outcome is unknown? 

We teach by modeling.  Our words are not enough.  Blah-blah-blah, they hear.  But if you show them and if you are courageous enough to share your mistakes as well as your triumphs, well then, I think they may get it.  These kids are smart.  So, so intuitive and sensitive and ripe for impressing.  No armor yet, they are malleable and open to suggestion and want to please.  I want them to know they can be themselves, they can mess up, they can talk to me, that we are in this thing called life together, that we’ve got each other’s backs. 

And, whether I am working outside the home or working inside, the role of nurturing my children’s spirits doesn’t change. I want them to know they are whole, complete, and just right, exactly as they are.  The very same thing I tell myself and try to embody as I stay-at-home, work, live, create, parent, wife, love . . . be.