Persistence Personified

Surviving January is often a challenge.  I mean, look at that wording – “surviving”.  As if I am battling some monumental, insurmountable something; like my dad would say, “Meg, you are so melodramatic.”  And sometimes, that’s the truth.  Because I can get stuck, like any good spiritual soldier, in an old rut and feel like I am all alone, in the dark, cold, deep trenches, with no light at the end of the tunnel.  That’s often how January feels.

But this year, I held tough.  I stayed positive.  Happy to not be weighted down by my old work drama I had let go of in December.  I felt free. I kept it real all January.  I am taking a creative writing class, I am getting up at 5:30 a.m. each morning to write my three stream of consciousness morning pages (thanks to Julia Cameron’s Prosperous Heart – which I highly recommend), I’m exercising everyday, and I am exploring and doing research as I strive to remain open and available, not-so-patiently-but-trying, for my new good to unfold. Letting my interests and energy take me to new places I’d never been: Parnassus Books (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!), a blog called The Mindful Ph.D. at my.vanderbilt.edu/themindfulphd, lots of Brene’ Brown (if you haven’t checked her out, do so now - www.brenebrown.com – you won’t be sorry!).

But then my birthday hit on January 31 and I let me guard down. You’d think on her big day, a girl could, right?  Or maybe turning 44 had me putting a little bit of my armor back on?  I don’t know but we are now a week into February and my January bravado is nowhere to be found and I’m sitting here thinkin’  “Courage, where’d you go?” It lasted in February for about five minutes. I’m holding steady, still doing what I need to be doing, just without my usual energy.  But, I’m nothing if not persistent.  In fact, a line I coined and repeat over and over about finishing my doctorate: “It is not necessarily the brightest and best that see a Ph.D. through; it’s simply the most persistent.”  A trial in persistence, that doctoral experience.  Yep, here I sit, persistence personified.

 Puttering and sputtering this first week of February, I’m a little disappointed after such a valiant, vibrant January.  I’d like to blame it on the cold.  So, so cold.  Seasonal Affective Disorder? I think I’m there.  I don’t want to leave my house.  Seriously.  Content to sit in my corner of our couch, by the fire, coffee close by.  Dog at my feet.  Writing. Researching. Reading. Thinking.  Not to worry, there’s been no crying in my coffee.  I haven’t taken to drinking wine in the afternoons. And I don’t feel particularly sad.  But my energy is depressed.  And I think I’m just waiting on the sun.  Truly, if the sun just came out and said hi for an afternoon, I think I’d be all better.  Or at least, have some pep back in my step – which would make me very happy!

Lucky for me, one of my dearest friends – who may just be the sun personified (truly!) – has asked me to lunch to belated celebrate my birthday.  Maybe lunch with her and an extended birthday hurrah is the perfect prescription for my gray-day doldrums.  I’ll take a ray, a shot of warmth, anywhere I can get it.  Even if it means getting my rear off the couch.  I think I can be that inspired on this cold February morning.  But know, I might need a daffodil to get much further. 

Persistence, press on (we’ll get there, I’m still a believer!).