God's Got It

Perhaps it’s genetic.  My mom’s a worrier.  At my worst, when I’m caught off guard and lose track of my more positive, centered self, I too am a worrier.  The anxiety has been rumbling around for about a week though I couldn’t really put a finger on it.  But I was aware of it – I’ve had enough therapy and read plenty of self-help books to know when anxiety’s knocking.  And, she sure was loud last week! I was more irritable and craved comfort foods; I questioned myself more and felt a general malaise - like something was off or shaky.  But then, I’d do a quick mental inventory of my life and world and think, “Nope, no major catastrophes.  All’s good.  Quiet on the western – err, southeastern – front (What’s your deal anyway???)”

Well, my deal, even though I couldn’t name it, is a deal many moms just like me face at one point or another as their kids grow up.  Taggart’s first five-day trip away from home.  He left this morning at 5:40 a.m. and his leaving is triggering a separation anxiety I hadn’t yet met in my parenting journey.  We think we’re so self-aware and then wham!  Motherhood brings a truckload of new issues we have to deal with  have the opportunity to use as transformative moments which redefine our very notions of who we are and our ideas of safety, security, and general well-being (and I’m talking mental, emotional, and spiritual, as well as physical).  Dang it if having kids hasn’t brought up every issue I’ve ever had and magnified it times 100 just to be sure I’d really worked through that one particular area!

So here’s my son – the one that was two weeks overdue, whose labor had to be induced, who even then needed a suction cup attached to his very large head to enter our world after 24 hours of labor – and just like that, he’s off on his first solo adventure.  This kid, who did not sleep through the night until he was eight years old.  Had me up 2-3 times a night.  Who I would nap with when he was a toddler and who’d throw one of his legs over mine and say, “I just need to be sure of you.” Who would cry on the way to spend the night with Grammy when he was younger because he couldn’t imagine a night without me in his immediate world.

He couldn’t get up this Monday morning fast enough – and it was 5 a.m.!  He told me on Friday when I picked he and his sister up from school, “Mom, usually I want the week-ends to never end.  They always seem to fly by so quickly.  But this week-end.  I can’t wait for it to be over.  Each minute feels like forever.  I can’t wait for Monday!  I don’t know how I’ll ever get through the week-end . . .”

My baby – now eleven years old – is growing, growing, GONE.  Well, not gone for good, just for five days . . . but it’s hitting me in a way I never could have fathomed.  I already miss him!  But I certainly didn’t want to plant any seeds of doubt in his mind so I tried to play it cool.  Didn’t say too much or make too big a deal out of all this.  But if you had been with us through those eight years of not sleeping through the night, you’d get how big this really is.  He has a rescue remedy sleep spray, melatonin drops, a lavender spray – all tools we use to help him sleep through the night.   He has affirmations he uses, EFT tapping he does to allay his fears. Yet, over the past six months he has begun to wean himself from all of these and when I asked early this morning if he thought he’d need to pack any of his sleep aids he said, “Nope, Mom, I’ll be fine.” 

I am happy and sad and proud and excited and nervous and . . . tired - all at the same time!  Because when you are wired for worry, you wake up at every little sound and when Tractor whined and I got up to let him out at 12:45 a.m., I got to get back in bed and worry about EVERYTHING under the sun – well, dark of night – for approximately three hours.  Boy, I covered a lot of ground!  And then, when I finally got to go back to sleep, I had the absolute worst nightmare imaginable.  I’m not going to give it too much power by going into detail but suffice it to say, one of my children was taken and sold off into a slavery ring.  (We can tear that dream right out of the mental notebook and burn it to ashes because where I live, we are surrounded by love, peace, and good and I’m focusing all my attention and energy there.)  I should have just gotten up when I couldn’t sleep because just being plain tired would be way better than being both exhausted and deeply disturbed by some crazy monster dream that had no business in my head, (“Good riddance!” we'll say to that.)

So off Taggart went – a quick hug to me and he literally ran out the door and bounded down the steps.  His first trip away from home; had his Cotillion Grand Ball on Saturday night.  He is becoming quite the young man – handsome, thoughtful, bright, challenging . . . I never knew how deeply this parenting thing could make you feel. I tell anyone who asks, “It is the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done.”  And if you are wired for worry like me, well then get ready.  But the bottom line is this: at the depth of the worry, is the deepness of my love.  And in my best moments and most centered spaces that love buoys up any fears and releases them to the heavens. In recent weeks, this release has been in the form of a simple “prayer” for anything that’s bothering me.  It’s from Julia Cameron’s Prosperous Heart and it is this little three-word phrase: “God’s got it.”

Yep, that’s it.

If I’ve learned nothing else for certain through this parenting journey, this is the one thing I do know; God’s got it. 

And so it is.

P.S. While writing this, my little, big guy Facetimed me!  I was thinking as I answered that he must have forgotten something but all I saw was his happy, smiling face riding on the bus to their destination.  He didn’t really have anything to say but his smile said it all: “Mom, I just wanted to be sure of you.” You can be, sweetie.  You can.