Roots and Wings

Where do I begin and what do I say? Going back to MI and to all of my friends from long ago – another lifetime really – was both surreal and centering. I felt more myself than I have in a long time simply by being around people who have always known me. But the sadness of saying goodbye to a dear friend – one of my very own people – was heart wrenching.

The pictures told the story. A beautiful girl who loved life and lived it to its fullest. A dedicated and affectionate mother. A loving daughter and sister. A fierce competitor and a compassionate and respected coach. Kris meant the world to so many people. But perhaps most of all she meant the world to her three boys. Boys who will come of age without their mother’s presence; undoubtedly one of the saddest losses of all.

But amidst all of the loss and sadness inherent to the weekend, there were life-long friends and memories to buoy us. Stories we laughed about. Old ways of being together that brought great comfort and made us feel safe – at least for a while.

And now I am home. Back to my present. And it is so different than the reality of the past weekend. I feel more alone though kids and dogs and cats and laundry and to-do lists surround me. But there’s not much space here for my sadness. In fact, I don’t know what to do with it. Its heavy weight in my heart and my stomach - an emptiness unfulfilled (though my first night home I tried with pizza – I don’t recommend it).

I miss the connections. I miss Kris. I miss that I won’t get to hear her laugh or see her smile . . . I miss childhood with its simplicity and innocence and easy joy. I want to know less, have experienced fewer losses, feel as deeply connected to the people in my life now as I did way back when. It used to be simpler and now it seems really complicated. But I’ll always have my memories, the stories, and the relationships that helped ground me and grow me.

My childhood, Manton, my friendships and relationships: they gave me both roots and wings. And for that, I will always be grateful.