All the Time in the World

“I have all the time I need.” This is an affirmation I tell myself when everything is going too fast and I’m short-tempered and grouchy. “I have all the time I need . . . ” And the beauty of this affirmation: it works.

It makes me aware of the present moment and what is going on. It brings my attention back to center. It makes me slow down and take stock. What do I need to accompish today? And what do I want to accomplish today? If it’s not a must then I need to cut myself some slack. And if it’s a need, well then, I bring all my attention to what is required to accomplish it. Get it done, feel good about it, and move on.

Breathe in, breathe out. I am clear about what I need to do (and not do!). I truly have all the time I need. My day opens up. Quiet moments beckon. I am aware and centered. I choose how and where to spend my time. I say no when I need to. And yes when I mean it. Yes. I have all the time I need.

Disclaimer: This affirmation’s effectiveness can be muted in the presence of children. For best results, use while they are in school. For sanity’s sake, use when they are driving you crazy. When all else fails, take a nap. Or, if it’s five o’clock somewhere . . .

Me Time

I so need this time. Time to take a walk, pay bills, straighten the house, sit and write. Not only do I need it, I am a much better person for it. I need space to think and settle with my thoughts. To actually hear myself think. I am not good at multi-tasking although I do it all day. Well, maybe I’m good at it but I just don’t like it. It feels like nothing ever gets my fullness. And my fullness is me at my best.

Right now, I’m full of these yummy chocolate brownies I made yesterday because I NEEDED chocolate. Not just a simple craving but a need. My husband Jeff doesn’t get this. Maybe most men don’t. But there are days and times when only good chocolate will do. And it wasn’t just a one-brownie-morning today. It was a two-big-brownie-morning. And I’m good with that. In fact I feel good and full in just the right amount.

In days of old, I would have deprived myself of the brownie only to ambush myself and binge on something I didn’t even like trying to fill up that hole of wanting. Then, I’d deal with the guilt associated with the binge and not being “good”. Gosh, what a waste of time I spent on all that! Now, I don’t even believe in deprivation and eat exactly what I want, when I want, in the amount that is right for me. And the best part: no binges, no guilt. Just a feeling of trusting my body and listening to what I really want and need. And then answering that to the best of my ability.

It always goes back to trust. We have to trust ourselves. To be honest with ourselves, believe in ourselves, pamper ourselves. We are cherished souls and bodies. And if we don’t believe this and treat ourselves accordingly, we set ourselves up for all kinds of guilt trips and hardship. And when we do trust ourselves – body, mind, and spirit – we are filled with a knowing deeper than any longing we can muster. It’s a knowing based on TRUTH – our own truth – and there’s no better antidote to our issues, whatever they may be, than that.

Spring (!) Break (?)

The notion of Spring Break takes on a whole new meaning when you are a parent to little ones. In fact, I think the term Spring Break is an oxymoron. My kids have been out of school for the past seven days and I haven’t had a single break yet. We’ve been going and doing and seeing. We’ve been walking and jumping and swimming. We’ve been eating and drinking and snacking between meals. We’ve been to Parmer Park and Edwin Warner Park and the Nashville Zoo. We’ve been to Chattanooga, the Discovery Science Museum, and Rock City. We’ve been to Wendy’s, Taco Bell, the Mellow Mushroom, and McDonald’s (x 2). We went wild at Target today.

To see my almost-seven-year-old strut around in some new duds he picked out, checking himself out in the mirror, hand in pocket – well, it’s priceless. He thinks he’s hot stuff. And my sweet two-year-old, not to be outdone, got her first pair of flip flops. Turquoise with sequins and polka dots. She thinks she is all that.

Needless to say, we are having a BIG time. We are enjoying this “break” or maybe we’ll refer to what we’re having as a Spring Fling. With three days left and a family trip to Land Between the Lakes tomorrow, I have a feeling it may be Monday before I catch my breath. I can make it – but I may be crawling!

Yes, Monday will be welcome – just a little time for me. To write and get centered. To clean my house. To go for a long walk. Maybe take a nap. Shop – just for me! Some new shorts, some new flip flops, lipstick in a happy shade of spring. Who knows? It may be me thinking I’m all that . . . and ready again I’ll be to jump and walk and run . . . to enjoy spring with my two little loves. Happy to be together and to share our days.

The Present Moment

With the Lenten season upon us and Easter beckoning, I hear constant talk about what people are giving up for Lent. My son, who attends a Catholic school but who is not Catholic, has decided to give up candy – but NOT on Thursdays and Sundays. I think the exception was all his idea but I’m sort of with him on this.

All or nothing thinking gets you into trouble. And if you have control issues, it can really mess you up. So maybe he’s smart and knows his limits and thinks he can not have candy five out of seven days and be good with this. Ironically, he doesn’t typically eat candy on a regular basis. So actually getting it on Thursday and Sunday, or even potenitally getting it, might be a real boon for him. He’s hopeful and that’s good.

As for hopeful, that’s more of what I want to be this Lenten season. I am tired of all the doom and gloom talk about the economy. I am tired of winter. And I am tired of loss and sadness. I get that this is all a part of life and that there are important lessons to learn through each of these experiences. That we need to go through them to grow and become more of who we’re meant to be.

But I’m saying “Uncle . . . enough already . . . I get it!” We are here to live in the present moment. To not let fear or darkness or sadness overshadow those little magical moments that make up each of our days. And they are different for each of us too. For me, it’s the smell of coffee brewing; the sound of the birds in the early morning; the smell of honeysuckle welcoming spring; the feel of Sage’s soft, feathery blonde hair; the sun warming my back as I walk around the block.

What is it for you? Talking to a special friend? Taking time to read? Hearing your spouse or partner say “I love you”? The bright yellow in the waving daffodils? Baking a cake? Whatever it is, go do it. Go buy yourself flowers. Put the windows down and sing loudly. Kiss your husband when he gets home. Hug your babies. Stay in the moment. Live life fully - in the present.

Roots and Wings

Where do I begin and what do I say? Going back to MI and to all of my friends from long ago – another lifetime really – was both surreal and centering. I felt more myself than I have in a long time simply by being around people who have always known me. But the sadness of saying goodbye to a dear friend – one of my very own people – was heart wrenching.

The pictures told the story. A beautiful girl who loved life and lived it to its fullest. A dedicated and affectionate mother. A loving daughter and sister. A fierce competitor and a compassionate and respected coach. Kris meant the world to so many people. But perhaps most of all she meant the world to her three boys. Boys who will come of age without their mother’s presence; undoubtedly one of the saddest losses of all.

But amidst all of the loss and sadness inherent to the weekend, there were life-long friends and memories to buoy us. Stories we laughed about. Old ways of being together that brought great comfort and made us feel safe – at least for a while.

And now I am home. Back to my present. And it is so different than the reality of the past weekend. I feel more alone though kids and dogs and cats and laundry and to-do lists surround me. But there’s not much space here for my sadness. In fact, I don’t know what to do with it. Its heavy weight in my heart and my stomach - an emptiness unfulfilled (though my first night home I tried with pizza – I don’t recommend it).

I miss the connections. I miss Kris. I miss that I won’t get to hear her laugh or see her smile . . . I miss childhood with its simplicity and innocence and easy joy. I want to know less, have experienced fewer losses, feel as deeply connected to the people in my life now as I did way back when. It used to be simpler and now it seems really complicated. But I’ll always have my memories, the stories, and the relationships that helped ground me and grow me.

My childhood, Manton, my friendships and relationships: they gave me both roots and wings. And for that, I will always be grateful.