The Body Knows

                                                                             c. Libby Mundy

Even when we can’t pinpoint what we want or what we need, at a cellular level, our body knows.  I think of a friend who has periodic episodes where she cannot stop vomiting (I know, no fun, right?) . . . and the doctors can’t seem to hone in on what is causing this.  But in knowing and talking to my friend, the flare-ups seem to occur whenever she is under a particular and significant amount of stress. Perhaps it is her body’s way of saying, “Slow down. Pay attention. We are off balance.  We need to figure out where our happy medium is please!!! Self-care SOS, fast and in a hurry!”

In a similar vein, I am reminded of my college years and early 20’s, when I tried to use food as a way of filling an emotional black hole of emptiness that no amount of peanut butter toast or chocolate chip cookies could ever sufficiently fill.  It wasn’t until I read the book Overcoming Overeating by Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter that I learned that deprivation does not work and that to cure emotional eating, we need to get in touch with what we really need (non-negotiable), and what we really want (negotiable).  Sometimes the two are synonymous, sometimes they are not at all related, and sometimes just naming them is enough to then figure out what the right next step is.

Now you might be saying, “Yeah, I really do need a dozen or so chocolate chip cookies right now!”  But that’s a want. Or perhaps a need, disguising itself in semi-sweet chocolate when at its core it is really about self-love, self-respect and the courage to be who we really are (big, big stuff! . . . And I get it - sometimes the cookies are so much easier!! At least in the short-term . . .).   But let’s be honest, do you really want a dozen cookies or do you just say that because you tell yourself you should never, ever eat cookies because they aren’t good for you and besides, they make your butt look really big??  Therein lies the problem.  At least for me. 

  Photo courtesy of jenis.com

I don’t know about you, but if I tell myself I can’t have something, I want it all the more.  But, if I tell myself I can have it and I trust myself to listen to that craving, I go ahead and eat a couple cookies (or a Jeni’s Salted Caramel ice cream cone with my kids or an order of hot, salty French fries) . . . AND I GO ON WITH MY BUSINESS.  In the past, I would have this whole internal battle and tell myself I “shouldn’t” eat the cookie . . . and eventually I would eat the cookie (because nobody can tell me what to do or not do!) . . . and then in total self-sabotage fashion my rationalizing led to: “Well I might as well eat a dozen now, I’ve completely blown it!”  And I’d then proceed to eat a dozen, after which I’d feel awful and sick - physically, mentally, emotionally. 

But I wasn’t quite done.  Because then, I spent my energy thinking about how “bad” I was – fat, unworthy, out of control – rather than sitting with myself and my feelings and figuring out what I really “needed” in that moment.  That would have been the compassionate, more loving way to handle it.  And luckily, with some good therapy, introspection, and time, I’m happy to say I’ve mostly slain that dragon and evolved. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it still rears its ugly head at times. And when She does, I know I’m in need of something. And instead of fighting her when She reawakens, I calmly look her in the eye and ask what it is She wants and needs.  And then to the best of my ability, I act on it – blessing the dragon and giving thanks for the reminder. I’m human, I’m fallible, but also: so, so deserving of love and radical self-acceptance. That knowing is way better than any number of chocolate chip cookies (though Jeni’s Salted Caramel ice cream does give it a run for its money!!).

It was like my need today to return to Sylvan Park and run and walk the neighborhood where I lived prior to and at the time I met my husband . . . my body knew I needed to go back there even when I wasn’t sure why I was called to that location this morning.  Just that when I put on my clothes to exercise and my running shoes, I knew that after I dropped the kids off at school, it was in the direction of Sylvan Park I would go.  The run around the golf course where my husband and I met fourteen years ago and the walk through the nearby neighborhood I traversed in the years prior to meeting my husband reminded me of how far I have come in the past 20 or so years. 

What my body needed to tell me and led me to this morning is the realization that life is truly a series of stepping-stones.  Each experience leads us to the next phase, chapter, relationship, job, friendship, bridge, door, field, garden.  Each stone is necessary. Seeming boulders have big life lessons. But we have to be willing to listen and really hear.  We have to be honest about our wants and our needs and decide where we are willing to negotiate – and where we are not. And then, we need to move forward.

What I was reminded of today is this:  Filling up is an inside job made whole by the lessons we learn and the choices we make. We need to embrace our lessons and make the best choices we know to make so that our paths can unfold in front of us and we can move toward the truths that make us who we are and are helping us become what we are meant to be.

Our bodies know.  The question is: Are we listening? If we are or if we aren’t, our next stepping-stone awaits: pebble, rock, boulder, mountain.  Big or little, the lessons and choices are ours. Be brave, be loving, be you. And choose well.

                                                                             c. Libby Mundy