Kindling For Your Fire

In the car a few weeks ago, Taggart was lamenting something he could have done differently in his final basketball game. Something he thought would have changed the course of the game and potentially helped his team win.  And with very little thought, I replied, “Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda.” And he looked at me like, “Huhhhh? What the heck does that mean?”

So I explained that big life lesson to him.  That one about regret and guilt. And learning to simply let it go.  That we can look back on any situation and make ourselves feel bad or less-than because we screwed up and didn’t do “something” exactly as we should have so it absolutely wrecked “everything”.  It’s a “fun” game we play with ourselves and a total waste of time.

But damn, if those life lessons sometimes just have to be learned the hard way. Maybe that little bit of guilt is good?  Pushes them to try a bit harder next time or practice a bit more leading up to their next big “something”.  As long as they don’t live in the guilt.  If it can be used as a pacer, to help them learn and grow and become better, then I think there’s a place for it (and boy, is that balancing act tricky!).  But if there’s any wallowing and clamping down on the guilt and getting stuck there, it serves absolutely no purpose but to punish whomever is holding on – Rottweillian style – to their penance.  Which only serves to hurt them and ultimately does NOTHING to improve their own and other’s lives.

So I tell Taggart: In any situation in life, you can always look back, a minute, an hour, a day later, and say, “I should have made sure my toes were behind the three point line – that extra point might have made all the difference.  Or, if only I would have made those two free throws, then we would be the champions.  Or, I could have done a reverse lay-up and then I would have made the winning basket . . .This is all shoulda, woulda, coulda reasoning. Good to think about.  Good to realize what you might do differently next time and how you will use any mistakes or missed opportunities to improve in the future.  Good to use as kindling for your fire.  But then, that’s that.  Don’t dwell. Move forward. Learn from it and let it go.”

Here’s the deal, and it’s much harder for him to get it at the ripe ole age of 11, when you still feel immortal and invincible.  Life is short; we only have a finite time on this Earthly plane. We can spend time feeling guilty or bad or less-than and if that’s how someone chooses to use their given time, that is their choice.  But wouldn’t a better, more productive way to spend our time here be to focus on what we can do better, differently, more beautifully or creatively or thoughtfully, and then DO THAT.  Who knows what great contribution we can make or what legacy we might leave behind?  But if you are stuck in coulda, woulda, shoulda, all you get is muddy tires spinning in the same, tired place. And feeling frustrated, angry, depressed, down. Getting you nowhere but more stuck and dirty.

So get out of that rut.  If you are sitting in your car, spinning your wheels, grab your sneakers or your flip-flops or hop out barefoot, and get muddy! Feel the certainty of the Earth under your feet. Leave your footprints as you go. Find a new way. A different road. Forge a new path. Leave whatever is holding you back behind and go forth.

Today is your day. A new day. The first day of the rest of your life.  What happened yesterday or last week or last year doesn’t matter today.  What matters is what you do with today.  Use all you know and all you have. Use this day –this gift – well.

Make it great.