Marriage Is A Verb

Photo by Libby Mundy, c. 2015.

Some folks out there might argue marriage is a noun. Some might even describe it as a place. A castle. A cabin. A double-wide. A stage. A nest. A haven.  A dungeon. A cell.  An outhouse.  A walk in Central Park. Shoot, I don’t know. But when you really think about almost all of these places, they are still and not ALIVE (OK not the park, the park is alive, but stay with me here).  It seems to me that what really matters most is what you do in these noun-places –  love/hate, dance/sing, hug/kiss, pinch/pull, cook/clean, create/be. Be it in the castle or the double-wide, a lot goes on inside those four walls . . . And marriages – relationships – they are a lot like that.

They can become stagnant places where we grow old and crunchy; they can be icy cold and austere white; they can be deathly quiet and earthly still.  Or not. They can also be places of great vibrancy and beauty.  Of all the colors of the rainbow. Of love lived out loud. Maybe inside whatever walls your marriage is unfolding there is: laughing and loving and dancing and playing and learning and seeking and being and heartbreaks-to-wholeness. I hope that for you.

What I’ve learned about marriage – from my own almost teenage one to my grandparents’ sixty-eight year epic; from watching others that have flourished and fizzled and sputtered and sizzled; to some that have died or should be dead, is this: there is nothing about marriage that isn’t active.  Every marriage I know – healthy or not - is in motion; there are always AT LEAST two moving parts.  And there isn’t a marriage I know that doesn’t take work (and a lot of it—big breath).  And if we’re really serious about this marriage thing, the part about it working, well it comes down to finding ways – amidst our armor and fears and best intentions - to whole-ly and truly BE with another.

Because, really, when you think about it, marriage is a verb.

Marriage is:

                                         Loving
                                     And working
                                         And fighting
                                      And fixing.
                                                         

                                            Liking
                                       And not liking
                                  And choosing
                                       And accepting.
                                             

                                    Believing
                                     And affirming
                                       And creating
                                          And being known.
                                                   

                                          Learning
                                       And teaching
                                    And asking
                                And biting your tongue.
                                              

                                      Balancing
                                       And s t r e t c h i n g
                                       And listening
                               And breathing deeply.
                                            
                                        Keeping
                                           And catching
                                     And lifting
                                      And O-P-E-N-I-N-G.
                                              

                                     Trusting
                                           And praying
                                     And forgiving
                                         And letting go.
                                              

                                         Living
                                          And laughing
                                            And reminding
                                               And remembering.
                                                       

                                              Growing
                                       And embracing
                                 And D-a-N-c-I-n-G!
                                  And holding hands.
                                                                                                                                                              
                                   Marriage is
                                       BECOMING
                                           All the days of our lives.

                                                  (Amen.)

Marriage is not about finding the right person; it is about being the right person and building the right relationship. Marriage is SO much work. But it’s good work. It’s God work. It’s the work of a lifetime.

Make no mistake. Marriage is not for the weak of heart; for those who lack courage or wherewithal or honesty or humility or the ability to forgive or roll with the punches or . . . well, the point is, it takes a lot of the right stuff and just enough of the wrong stuff to get your problem-solving skills honed and your confidence in your union to optimal levels (and even then, it can still feel like a bit of a crap shoot!). Because those optimal levels, they are always changing, depending on the situation and exactly what life’s thrown at you. (And perhaps our hormone levels, just saying . . .)

For example, my patience threshold? Much, much lower than my dear, enduring husband’s . . . (parenting and marriage have had me doing some patience exercises that rival any upside down, inside out yoga poses I’ve attempted! And I’m certain my adoring husband would agree!!) The point is, marriage isn’t A WALK IN THE PARK (Central or otherwise).  But it is lovely. And it is frustrating. And it is the most real, beautiful activity we shall ever undertake, along with that parenting thing. It’s a place where we become more of who we are spiritually meant to be – in the thorns and in the blooms.  It’s a spiritual endeavor that has the seeds of wholeness at its core. And with the right actions (full circle back to our verbs!) – plowing, sowing, watering, weeding, fertilizing, harvesting, whatever we are called to do in the name of growth - we can bloom where we are planted. 

In our marriages and in our lives.

May your marriage, and your life, be exactly that kind of place, with those kinds of actions.

And good luck with the yoga - especially if you are attempting it in an outhouse!

Namaste.

Photo by Libby Mundy, c. 2015