The Introvert's Dilemma

If you knew me at all, you’d know that I am a person who needs time by myself to recharge; that, true to any good introvert, I am energized by spending time by myself and in solitude.  From there, I am better equipped to go out and face the world – happy, centered, restored.

So imagine my surprise when, upon telling my husband I had a sitter coming to watch the kids so I could go get my hair cut (not to mention to have the first few hours to myself since summer break had started 14 days prior), he replied: “Haven’t you just taken them with you to your haircut before?”

I had several options here, several ways to respond. Some mightily better than others. I could have said: “Oh, great idea! I wish I’d thought of that. We can save $30 and I won’t get to actually settle in and enjoy the hour of pampering my haircut could be, but yeah, let me take them!”  Or maybe I should have said this: “Oh, that’s so smart. I can use the money we save on the sitter to pay for the therapy I’m going to need after two full weeks of 24/7 kids with no end in sight. Yeah, let me call and cancel the sitter right after I locate the name of a good therapist.”

Or I could have gone fore the “have-you-ever-just-once-tried-to-walk-in-my-shoes” tack and snapped: “When is the last time you took the kids with you for a haircut???” Which is exactly what I said. And all he could do was feel the sting of my bite as I effectively shut down any real communication around the issue - my snap warning enough that this territory might not be any he wanted to tread.

What I should have said (after taking a couple inconspicuous grounding deep breaths and silently counting to ten, repeating to myself the affirmations “You are worthy. You are deserving. You are compassionate and kind.”) is this: “I love our kids and I feel so blessed to have so much time with them in the summer.  I appreciate that your job allows me to have the summers off to be with them. But I have some needs too. And the one that most often takes a back seat is some quality down time by myself. And as an introvert who gets her energy and recharges by being alone and being able to hear herself think, this isn’t a want, it’s a need. So yeah, I’m going to have the sitter come for a few hours, and I’m going to go get my haircut, run a couple errands, and maybe even go to a coffee shop and write.  I desperately need a couple hours and my sanity is worth the price we’ll pay . . . I hope you understand where I’m coming from and can support me in this.”

But no, I didn’t take the healthy, proactive, effective communicator position. I went for the resentful “if-you-knew-me-at-all-you’d-know-I-need ______________” position (I’m sure you can fill in the blank too, because haven’t we all felt this way at one point or another??).  Needless to say, that position is ineffective and doesn’t work.  It’s divisive and combative.  No win-win there, just take-no-prisoners, I’ll-do-what-I-need-to-do-to-survive lizard brain antics.

Marriage is hard. Effective communication is critical. And as a trained counselor, I wish I was better at applying what I know and did a lot less reacting and a lot more thoughtful, productive, responding when I’m in a tight spot. It would help my husband understand my needs better and I wouldn’t feel so wicked and guilty for snapping at him.

Twelve years in and still perfecting the marriage dance, it’s not as easy as Dancing With The Stars makes it look! But I’m confident we’ll continue to hone our communication skills and attempt to meet each other’s needs – and that I’ll try harder to ask for what I need in ways my husband can hear. Perhaps he’ll think twice before asking if I can take the kids with me to my next haircut. Hopefully, I’ll be able bite my tongue before a sharp remark leaps from my lips, shutting down any hopes of understanding.

Somewhere between those extremes - and with as big a helping of alone time as I can muster amidst the swirl of summer and full-time kids! - we’ll find our best selves. As I navigate these ends, I am reminded of a line in a poem by Rumi:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. 

In my ideal world and summer, that’s where I’ll be hangin’ out. Some by myself. Some with my family and friends. Beyond right and wrong, balancing somewhere in between. Doing what I need to to become more of the kind, loving, supportive, centered person and partner I need and want to be.

I’ll meet you there.