Always Beauty Laughing Gentle Princess

Why do you do what you do?

Why are you here?

Why do you make the choices you make?

Last week, as I walked up to my kids’ school to pick them up from afternoon dismissal, my eight-year-old daughter pushed a crumpled coffee filter she was clutching in her hand at me. It looked as if she had been holding onto it for some time.
“Here,” she said with a smile. “I picked these for you.”
I took the filter and could feel something inside . . . little pieces, small and hard, like Chiclet gum. I couldn’t fathom what gems might lie within because, frankly, I’ve seen it all; I’ve received nuggets of rubber mulch as a gift, lots of rocks and pebbles (some of which I’ve kept!), feathers, used chewing gum, a dead dung beetle . . . you name it, I’ve been gifted it! And truly, I’ve cherished each and every humble little offering.
As I began to open the filter, she asked, “Doesn’t it look like a flower?” To be honest, I thought it looked like a tired, grungy, and perhaps used tissue, but I affirmed, as most moms would: “Yes, I can see how it does.” And I could. She smiled again.
As the filter fell open I saw these small, plastic rectangular beads with words on them. They might have been beads a kid would string on a necklace. I asked Sage where she got them and she said she picked them out, just for me, in art class.
Then, I started reading the words: Laugh. Gentle. Always. Beauty. Princess. Now. Time. Good.
“I love them!” I said to Sage as I gave her a quick hug. “How did you pick each word?” I asked.
She replied, “It was easy. Each one made me think of you.”

THAT is why I do what I do everyday. Well, a HUGE part. For my kids. For my family. For that sense of CONNECTION. So that we might act as mirrors for each other when we need reminding of our inherent goodness. And even when we don’t.
And of course, to be told, through eight small plastic beads: We have time. The time in now. It is all good. And, I am an always beauty laughing gentle PRINCESS. (No, my friends, it doesn’t get any better than that! Truly. Even if she and I know she’s being really, really generous . . . but I’ll trust her on this, my sweet, sweet sage.)
Knowing WHY I do what I do is critical to becoming more of the person I want to be. And for contemplating goals I want to accomplish to help me in the process. So, as I make my way through my “different kind of January”, I am making doubly sure that my “whats” (as in what I say I want in my life) are lined up with my “whys”. Because if they’re not, I won’t succeed. And probably shouldn’t. I’m not meant to. If my “whats” are out of alignment with my “whys”, then I don’t have any business using my finite time on those endeavors, however good they might sound.
So I ask you this, as we trudge, er slow dance, through January:

WHY do you want to lose weight?

WHY do you want to make $50,000 or $75,000 or $100,000?

WHY do you want to quit your job? Or, start a new business?

WHY do you want to find Mr. (or Mrs.) Right?

WHY do you want to run a marathon this year?

“Why” questions, in general, are typically not questions people much like. In fact, they often prove very hard. And really big “why” questions – like life “whys” - can often seem too scary or difficult to even answer. Notorious for making people defensive, “why” questions push people’s buttons because they ask us to explain ourselves. Or imply that perhaps we should be doing something differently. And indeed, perhaps we should. Because where there’s defensiveness, there’s often some truth (or it wouldn’t make us defensive, right?). Hard lesson, that one.
Getting “why” clarity is simple, but not easy. Because it’s not just a glib, one-sentence answer to any of the above questions. It’s a deep, archeological dig below the surface where we ask ourselves a “why” question related to what we say we want (i.e., “Why do I want to write a book?”). And then, after we’ve honestly answered that first question (I want to write a book because I want to share the lessons I have learned with others), we follow up with another “why?”.  And we continue asking and answering until we can answer no more, until we’ve gotten to an answer that is coupled by an “A-ha!” that signals our TRUTH. A deep inner knowing that our “why” is true at a soul-deep level.
Yep. It would be so easy if our first “why” answer gave us our deepest truth, but I’m here to tell you that’s almost never the case. It takes some digging and some removing of armor and layers of the onion to get where we need to go. No, these “whys” aren’t easy. But if we want to become all that we are meant to be, knowing our deep “whys” is the one sure way to keep us on track, whole-heartedly pursuing a goal that echoes our most profound truths. 
As we put ourselves through the “why” paces, five rounds of questioning usually gets us to pay dirt. But it is imperative that we are soft and gentle (yet tenacious!) with ourselves as we go through these paces. Because as our “whys” take us deeper, sometimes we may be surprised/shocked/angered/embarrassed/ashamed by what lies underneath. But here’s a promise we all must make as we broach this endeavor: no judgments, no bullying, no filtering our answers. Just listening and listening well. And accepting what is. And by all means, being good to ourselves (patient, kind, affirming – like you’d be to your very best friend)!
Everyone’s “why” is different. And we must honor those deep “whys” as the very things that allow our souls to speak. Even, perhaps, to sing. But to get to our deepest “whys”, we must also be willing to courageously ask those hard questions and openly – nonjudgmentally - listen for our own deep answers.
So here’s the deal. Take your time. Give yourself space. And room. And no distractions. And start writing. Digging. Listening. Uncovering. Because if we can get below the surface and get clear on why we want certain changes in our lives, the process will be much easier to embrace and navigate. And when this resonates at a deep and abiding level, our commitment will be that much stronger. Indeed, maybe it will flow because we will be in the FLOW, with our life unfolding exactly as it was meant to. Each of us living our biggest and best lives.
Sure, we’ve all been at that place where we are sitting on the fence about some goal or decision (questioning if we have what it takes, the goal’s do-ability, whether or not it is convenient or will make us uncomfortable . . .). It’s as if we are waiting for anything outside of us that we can point to so that we do not have to take responsibility for our lives and choices. We are looking for anything we don’t have control over so we can use that to rationalize why we might fail . . . So we can say: “THAT is what caused me to NOT succeed. And now, I get to go back to being the same old, tired version of me. Nope, I don’t have to change. So there.”
But what I’m offering is this: Perhaps those goals weren’t meant to be because they didn’t align with your deep “whys”. And if your motivation isn’t true, how long would those changes last, anyway? (How long have those goals or changes lasted, anyway??)
Unquestionably, we are each personally responsible for our every choice, our every failure, our every happiness. This is not only hard for my 12-year-old son to accept, it’s hard for lots of grown-ups too! But it is true. And once we realize this and start living life from our deepest “whys”, our greatest good will unfold, exactly as it should.
The longer I live in this body and in my skin, having my life experiences and navigating the joys, losses, the mundane and sublime, my knowledge and understanding of my “whys” has become more honed. Hence, greater alignment. Sure, I sometimes get off track or lose myself in my own STUFF (because we are human and that’s what humans do!), but when I am willing to be honest, vulnerable and completely open with myself (and others), my “whys” are crystal clear.
My deep “whys” - why I am here, why I do what I do, why I make the choices I make – inevitably boil down to: connection, relationships, affirmation, inspiration, and acceptance (yeah, as the antithesis to control, that one still gives me fits!).
Clear on my deepest values, it allows me to move forward in all of my roles and experiences more intentionally . . . shaping my life, my family, and my future in ways that reflect both who I am and who I am becoming. And, it allows me to dream dreams that I can actually live into because they come from a deep, known place within.
Today, as a day that honors the life and work of Martin Luther King, Jr., I see the evidence of his deep “whys” everywhere – in the speeches and sermons he gave, letters he wrote, marches and protests he participated in, in the people he touched and the lives he still touches . . . Freedom. Justice. Equality. Peace. Deep, deep “whys” that he built both dreams and a new reality on. They were the deep values he walked, talked, and envisioned. It’s the very lesson inherent in the necessity of knowing our own deep “whys”. So that our walk, our actions, our resolutions, are evident as our talk, our deepest truths, our inner-knowing of what we need to do to live into our dreams.
In that very spirit, let’s commit, if we are able, to these high (and dare I say necessary) endeavors in the year ahead:

• To be our own cause.
• To take a stand for what we believe in.
• To let our deep WHYS be our guide.
• To be true to ourselves.
• And last, but not least . . . to find our inner-prince or –princess and let them sing!

Remember: We have time. The time is now. And it is all good. (You always beauty laughing gentle PRINCE/SS).