Doing What Needs To Be Done

(Photo courtesy of Libby Mundy. All rights reserved.)

It doesn’t really matter if we are tired or grouchy or unbalanced or sick.  Like it or not, the show must go on.  This is the mantra for any mom – working, stay-at-home, doesn’t matter. We all have things to do, people to see, places to go, kids to feed, plants to water, dishes to wash, laundry to fold, bills to pay . . .

There’s a line in Oriah’s poem “The Invitation” (which is incredible – a call to live life fully and deeply) that goes:

“It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.”

I was acutely reminded of this over the last week as my 12-year-old son, once again, struggles to sleep at night. The start of 7th grade has gotten the best of him and his anxieties are on red alert; a sleeping tiger has been poked.  He awakens in the middle of the night, hearing “things”, thinking someone is in his room. Preparing for how he’ll handle an intruder.  It’s no good. He calls for me and I’m prepared, have already given myself the pep talk before falling asleep “Be patient. Be compassionate. Meet him where he is.”  The simplest solution: Send him in to sleep with his dad. Me, well I’ll fend for myself. I, too, struggle in his room; even I hear “things”.  I head down to the basement to sleep on the couch. Three times in the last week. No sounds, thank goodness, but not much back support either.  The mornings come early – ready or not . . .

Yes, this is what every mom knows. No matter how busy, sleep-deprived, or crazy we may feel, we still have to get up, make our kids breakfast, pack their lunches; do what needs to be done. But where we do have a choice, where we can make a difference, is the attitude in which we approach these chores of ours – our daily to-do list.  And, how we take care of ourselves on a daily basis, so that we bring our best selves, and attitude, to the table – literally and figuratively.

Figuring out how to best do this is truly a labor of love, a constant work in progress.  If Self-Care 101 were a class, the following are my directives for a more balanced life.  And since my life is all about moderating my perfectionistic tendencies, knowing what works and using those to center and care for myself, has gotten me through many a long morning when all I can think as the alarm goes off at 5:20 a.m. is: “When can I get back in this bed???”   Which happens to be a perfect segue to #1.

1. Get up an hour earlier than your kids. I know, I resisted this for the longest time and wanted to get up 10 minutes before I had to wake them. But now, in that hour, I have a cup of coffee, I write, I read my affirmation, I start on their lunches . . . and, I get my head on straight. Then, I wake them with a smile.
2. Eat well.  This is huge and so important.  Know what works for your body (a probiotic has been a life-changer for me!). Make sure you are giving your body what it needs for optimal functioning.  Fruits, veggies, good sources of protein.  It matters. A lot.  And if you are doing this, not only will you feel better, you’ll be setting a great example for your kids. And you’ll have the energy you need to get you from that early morning all the way to early bedtime.
3. SLEEP!  Ahhhh, the elusive lover of all multi-tasking moms. We need it.  Just as much as our snoring husband and busy kids. Try to get the sleep your body needs for a week and see what a difference it makes.  If all else fails, sneak in a nap.  Turning off your brain for 20 minutes provides a re-set for the rest of your day and almost makes up for the late nights and early mornings (or at least makes them a bit more manageable).
4. Exercise every day. For me, I have to be outdoors for the vitamin D and the energy of the air and trees.  I’m not saying you have to train for a marathon but walk your dog, go around the block with your kid, ride your bike and feel the wind in your hair, or do a 20 minute yoga DVD in your basement. Do SOMETHING. Way more than just physical (though we like that too!), this provides mental and emotional benefits that will give you more energy with which to embrace your day.
5. Read something inspirational every day. A quote. Rumi's poetry. Someone’s blog (discovered momastery.com this week and it is amazing!). A daily affirmation. Dwell on this inspiration as your day unfolds.  We can control our thoughts.  And we can either focus on the negative or we can think positively.  Either way, you are in control and whatever you think, you are right! 
6. Connect with at least one of “your people” in some form or fashion (phone call, text, email, or if you are really lucky, do coffee or a walk!).  This connection – big or small – will fortify you. And they might just need to hear from you too – I’m all about win-win!
7. Find one thing each day you are really grateful for and either mentally or verbally give thanks. That thankful energy you send out comes back to you in other forms of good.  We typically go around at dinner and each say one thing we are thankful for. Last night, it was the rainstorm and the power outage.  Sage and I loved sitting in the dark with candles imagining what it was like before electricity. And, being thankful for the many conveniences we take for granted every day.
8. Make your bed! Well, bed-making serves my need for feeling like my house is ready to greet the day but maybe for you it’s loading or unloading the dishwasher or running the vacuum.  Doing at least one of those things keeps it all in perspective and doesn’t let those pesky household chores pile up. I hate when that happens!!!
9. Look for beauty everywhere and anywhere. Notice it. Comment on it to your kids, a colleague, your spouse.  When we notice the beauty, it feeds our sense of wonder and makes room for more of the same.  Maybe it’s the pink of the sky at dusk or a weedy, purple flower amidst the hedge or a soaring hawk overhead. Beauty is everywhere – an instant lift, an affirmation of good – when we are paying attention.
10. Ask for what you need.  This one’s one of those life-long lessons that I keep circling back to. It’s as if I expect to be able to do it all and to do it perfectly.   Or die trying!!!  So I’m saying this for you, as well as for me: ask others for what you need.  And 9 times out of 10, if the other person can help, they will! And your relationship will be strengthened in the process. If we don’t advocate for our needs and ourselves, then our needs, most likely, will not get met. No chance.  But if we advocate just a little, well, who knows what good may come??  And when all else fails – delegate!!!  As my kids have gotten older, I have discovered they can and will help with lots on my to-do list (but sometimes in my rush to work my list, I forget to ask!).

Don’t let anyone tell you differently. We moms, we ARE superheroes.  We bring home the bacon. We fry it up in a pan.  We slay the dragons. We check under the bed for monsters.  We read the bedtime stories with meaning and inflection. We get the clothes ready for the next day . . . We do what needs to be done. But while we are doing all that, please don’t forget about YOU.  Make time for yourself in that long to-do list.  You, your family, the dog – all will be happier, healthier, more whole for the efforts you make on your own behalf.  Unquestionably, to take care of them.  But as importantly, to take care of you!

What kinds of self-care most support you? How are you good to yourself on a daily basis? Please feel free to share your thoughts and ideas so we can learn from each other.  And in following with #7 above, know how much I appreciate you – the give and take I receive from my blog and your reading and participation fill me up in so many ways.  Thank you for sharing, participating in my journey, and reading!