On Becoming a Counselor . . . Or Simply a Better Person

While in grad school pursuing my Masters degree in Human Development Counseling, I was trained to help others through their rough spots: life transitions, divorce, parenting issues, break-ups, eating disorders, control issues, losses. But the best part about the program was actually applying what I learned to my own life. I may be a better counselor for having completed my program, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a much better person for having experienced it.

Some of the key lessons I learned – some simple, some profound – include the following:

The Tip of the Iceberg: Being mad or angry is typically only the tip of the iceberg. Figure out what’s beneath. Usually it’s one of three feelings: fear, sadness, and/or frustration. Once we can name the feeling or root of the anger, we are much more capable of addressing the real issue and not the symptoms.

Feedback is critical and the importance of good feedback is essential. One of our instructors – Roger Aubrey – was one of the best teachers I ever had. He gave the most detailed and constructive feedback I have ever received from a professor. His insights and candor were spot-on and he made his students both better counselors and better people.

Sighs hold a lot of energy – even my kids know this one and call me on it. When we let out a big sigh, it can mean or signal a lot of things. Tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, or perhaps when we are full and have had enough of a good thing. Sometimes our sighs are even good – Ahhh, contentment. Those are the best kind and rarely need interpretation. Those others (the heavier ones) are great signals to help us tune in to how we are feeling.

Walking every day can cure just about any malady. I swear this one has saved my life at least nine times. Walking – even for 20-30 minutes a day – is great for your heart, mind, body, and soul. It gets you out of yourself by moving, listening to other sounds, and giving you a rhythm to follow. It is grounding and centering. And, if you are going through a difficult time, it is a must.

Asking for what you need is critical; figuring out what you need is paramount. Brenda Dew was our Marriage and Family professor. She is great at what she does. One of the most basic exercises she taught me about relationships was to make a list of what you want in a relationship and what you need. The wants are compromise-able; the needs are not. Doesn’t matter if your need seems unreasonable to anyone else. If it’s your need, claim it and honor it. And when it is met, you’ll be glad you stuck to your guns.

Life is like a helix (picture a DNA strand from your seventh grade science text book) – we often circle back to people and issues, albeit at different levels, within our own development. Each circle up and around finds us with new information in which to deal with life at that given moment. Embrace your own development and the “coming around again” moments as another opportunity to grow and connect with yourself and others.

Writing or reading something inspirational can transform your day. I used to journal every morning with my coffee, read an affirmation, and then go for a run. After my morning ritual, I felt ready for anything the day had in store. (These days, however, I’m lucky to gulp my coffee down and go for a run at some point in the day – and, not even every day . . .) Doing what you can to fit a snippet of time in for an “I am grateful for . . . “ list or reading your favorite poet (Rumi is wonderful) or going over an inspirational passage or quote will quiet your mind and center your heart on what is really important.

Grief and loss are processes not hurdles to get over; when we’ve experienced a loss it’s about working through it and finding ways to honor ourselves and the loss; to make meaning of it and shape how we will move forward. Grief is different for everyone and we need to accept others’ processes while offering to be with them – in whatever capacity they need. Because in our dark nights of the soul, we need to be met where we are. And then, we may take the next step.

Listening is, perhaps, the most important skill we can hone. And, it is one of the best gifts we can give. Deep listening and reflecting another’s feelings so they feel they are truly heard and understood is not easy. We so often are busy thinking about what we want to say next in a conversation. And, as stereotypical as it sounds, most men are busy offering solutions to problems whereas women typically just want to be able to express how they are feeling. But validation of one’s feelings, for both men and women, can be not only affirming but transformative as well. (The Carl Rogers Reader is a great place to read more.)

Lastly, as my friends and I went through the counseling program we were required to read an article by Gill Noam. We had to read it at both the beginning and end of the program and my friends and I talked at length about an idea Noam espoused. We called it the “happy pig vs. unhappy Socrates” dilemma. In our ignorance we are often just happy, little pigs stumbling along through life until we know better. And once we know better, the expectation is that we should do better. But the dilemma lies in the risk of becoming an unhappy Socrates: full of a lot of knowledge about what needs to be done to become a more evolved, self-actualized individual but not always wanting to undertake the work involved to get there.

So sometimes I’ve been known to say to all of this: “Today I’m just going to be a happy little pig. I’m not going to grow anymore today. I’m tired of growing.” And maybe that’s been one of my most important lessons: knowing when to say when. To know my limits. To find my balance . . . sometimes on tip-toe . . . on the top of an iceberg.