My Present

I’ve been out of pocket and at my kids’ beck and call for a couple weeks now. It is fun, fascinating, infuriating, and exhausting – sometimes all within an hour! We are busy and together a lot. This is a great thing most of the time. Except for when I’ve reached my limit and need some space. Just to catch my breath and not have to think about anyone else’s needs. Those spaces don’t come easily and often not at all. Nonetheless, I know how much better I am to my kids, my family, myself when I carve out those little niches somewhere in the midst of my swirling days.

I am reminded of a Nietzsche quote I fell in love with my freshman year of college: “One has to have chaos within to give birth to a dancing star.” This quote has been a mantra for my life since I first heard it. And, I believe it to be true on every level. But my question to Nietzsche today is this: What does one give birth to when the chaos is simply the act and art of motherhood? A raging rhino? A Tasmanian devil? A “mean mama” with a short fuse and a sharp tongue?

Yes. Yes. Yes. All of these and more. And sometimes even a dancing star – or two – who just happen to be named Taggart and Sage. They can make me laugh and they can make me cry. They make me try to be a better person every day. They make me proud. They make me angry. They tickle me and they slay me. They are maddening and magnificent.

And no matter what, no matter how mad or how tired or how in need of space I am, they are mine – all mine – and I, well, I am theirs – hook, line, and sinker. And I adore them and our deep connection. They are a gift. They are my present. And I will have all the space I need some day in the not-so-distant future when they need their space. Our tables will have turned. And I guess I’ll just have to be O.K. with that. How could I not be? I love them. They're mine. And they’re also my gift to the world ~ my two dancing stars.