With the new year tiptoeing in and the ruckus of the holidays receding behind us, I am always left feeling a little empty and I hate that. I feel like the fullness of the holidays should buoy me up and see me through 'til spring. Yet each year, I head into January feeling very introspective and solitary. Like, I alone, have to battle the darkness and find my way out of the maze called winter. Like, I alone, have to focus really hard and make myself grow bigger and better; my one and only chance at greatness residing in this very moment, this very year. I put an awful lot of pressure on myself and take myself way too seriously. I can hear my dad right now, much to my chagrin, saying, "Lighten up, Meg." And as hard as it is to admit he's right, even posthumously, I agree whole-heartedly.
For my book group, I just started reading The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin and it's got me thinking (and laughing and looking forward to our group's discussion in a couple weeks).
New Year's is a time for considering how the next year might look and what I want for my life. It's a big undertaking and that might be why I struggle. Thinking about the many changes that I feel would make me a better, more self-actualized individual is overwhelming when all I want to do is organize our closets, get rid of stuff we know longer use or love, and finish the kids' baby books - not to mention fold the four loads of laundry waiting for me downstairs! Some of the biggies on my 2012 master to-do list: run a marathon, make a will, write everyday, find a spiritual home for our family (a.k.a. church), keep my connection to Jeff vibrant and strong. Just typing this, I'm already tired (well, it's also 10 p.m. but what other time am I alone and not distracted??)...
What I can realistically admit is that I may or may not accomplish all of the goals I've contemplated and even put out there for all to see. But, I do know that if I do even the tiniest bit toward one of my projects it gives momentum and energy to me and my tasks at hand and I find myself moving forward in a positive direction. Maybe this is a gift I haven't acknowledged and need to nurture more. For better or worse, I have typically been one of those people who likes to check off my accomplishments and move on to the next big "thing" but if parenting has taught me anything it's that life is not that linear or predictable. It's rocky and hilly and sunny and sublime. Filled with potholes, detours, distractions, wonder, and awakenings. It's all life. It's my life. And it's so much more than black, white, or grey; it's rainbow-filled too (I've got 193 crayons, 69 markers, & 97 colored pencils to prove it - but who's counting anyway?!).
My pots of gold might come this year (a finished marathon, an active blog, a new spiritual community) . . . or not. And it's the "not" that I'm getting better at accepting with each passing year. Maybe it's simply getting older and wiser? Perhaps. Or one might surmise I've decided to take the easy way out though I'm certainly not one to peddle laziness or mediocrity - far from it. This Type A, recovering perfectionist is simply promoting self-acceptance, healthy boundaries, and knowing when to say when. Sometimes that can make all the difference.
And sometimes, it makes no difference at all. Either way, I'll keep you posted.
