The Big and The Little

So much goes through my head that I don’t even know where to start. I write things in my head all the time. Everyday. To whom, I do not know. Who am I thinking of when I write these essays that sit in a closet inside my head? They seem like good ideas. Ideas that would resonate for others. But I don’t let them out. I just keep them piled up in a jumble like my linen closet or my extra gift closet – disorganized, packed full, in need of some order and attention.

The Mother Earth on Prozac idea should be a book. But as it turns out, I am not Mother Earth and I’m not even on Prozac although maybe I should be. I am just any other ordinary mother trying to get through her to-do list one day at a time. When did I lose sight of the big picture, I wonder to myself. I was sitting in church on Sunday and the minister asked: “Are you happy? Are you moving toward your goals and what fulfills you? . . . If not, you don’t believe in what you say you want.” The air got still. I got still. And I thought to myself, where did my goals go? The big ones? The ones that define a life. Gosh darn it - what ARE my goals? What FULFILLS me? What do I WANT? And how do I get so caught up in the everyday details that I lose track of ME?

I’m a big girl. A grown-up now it would seem at the age of 41. Some people’s lives have ended at this point. Not to be morbid but we don’t have all the time in the world. Our lives are finite and that is something I can say with a lot more conviction now than I could, at say, 25. Because at 25 we still mostly believe we can live forever. But then life happens. And time marches on. We lose people whose passings came way too early – at least for our liking. And the reality of living forever begins to fade and is replaced by that darker knowing that we need to make the most of every day. Because we just never know.

Sometimes that big reality scares me into living small. That’s when I’m coming from my less-than-perfect, fear-based place that sometimes seems to swallow me whole. Bad things happen too often and sometimes it seems a feat just to get out of bed. Let alone get your kids up and ready for school, make their breakfasts and lunches, and send them on their merry ways – out into that very big scary world that they still trust – their innocence as pure as the big blue sky. It’s that trust and innocence that brings me back down to solid ground and helps me center myself in a more loving, kind space.

I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes from Marianne Williamson. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Sometimes I ignore my own light and power as I get caught up in the swirling days and the passing of years. But that’s no good. It really does not serve me or those around me well. In fact, we’d all be brighter for it. So I must remember ME. I must feed my spirit what it needs so that I am shining my light. Some days it might be only a firefly’s flicker, other days a flashlight’s soft-focus beam, and yet other days a lighthouse’s insistent bright beacon…and on the very best days, a celestial Northern lights explosion where my body, heart, mind, and soul are in perfect alignment.

Writing does this for me. But my commitment to it is so spotty. I feel it is a gift I can share but I am more likely to leave those commentaries in the dark closet of my mind than actually put them out into the world where they might act as a light to others. What would it take for me to put myself out there regularly? That’s the question I have not been able to answer. Is it that I am lazy? Scared? Do I feel unworthy? Am I worried about what others think?

Maybe I’ve been scared of my own light, calling my writing my gift - asking that very question Williamson posed: “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” The only good answer I have is that I am me – Meaghan Elizabeth Mundy Patterson – a child of God, a being made of love, created to be a gift to this world. And with so much to be thankful for, it’s hard to allow myself to stay stuck in fear. Don’t get me wrong, those opportunities present themselves almost daily – all you have to do is watch fifteen minutes of the news or read the headlines and it’s enough to put you back in your bed . . .

Nevertheless, I think our real, daily task is to balance our inner and outer realities so that we can see the big picture and remember ourselves in it. Remember that we are all parts of the greater whole. Know that we will pass. Our things will not last. We will not last on this Earthly plane forever. So we make the most of today. We be the very best we can be today. Be it the best mom, the best writer, the best teacher, the best chauffer, the best cheerleader, the best cook, the best gardener, the best healer, the best counselor or listener. Whatever it is you are called to do. However it is that you can share your light – even if it’s your laugh or a kind word – do it now.

Let YOUR light shine.